AFTER weeks of coverage of scandal, of reports of MPs flipping the designation of their second homes, and using public money to pay for non-existent mortgages, adding another turret to their country pile and housing families of ducks in London penthouses, I think it’s clear what is required.

And following on from the contributions from my two Labour colleagues, Alan Johnson and John Denham, and the suggestion by William Hague on fixed-term parliaments, it’s clear now that there is only one option open to us to clean up parliament and restore voters’ faith in democracy: we need to redesign the Union flag.

A Union flag yesterday

A Union flag yesterday

Of course, there will always be those who want to detract attention from this, the most important issue of our time, by banging on about holding errant MPs to account, exposing dishonest claims and reforming the expenses system.

But they must not be allowed to succeed!

How can we function as a nation when the national flag we use today is the same one that flew during the days of the hated and despised British Empire? Surely the most urgent task before us is to redesign the flag so that it is truly represenative of all Britain’s cultures and sexualities?

If we did that, then turnout at the next general election (proportional representation, natch) would be at least 100 per cent, and all MPs would be loved to bits by everyone — especially the media. The recession would end, global warming would slow down and all wars would cease.

Let’s not be distracted by issues like MPs’ expenses. It’s too easy to assume such issues are important just because everyone is really angry about them. But let’s face it: how many ordinary voters actually write columns for the national media? That’s right — almost none! So what do they know? 

Let’s deal with the real issues confronting the nation: electoral reform, fixed-term parliaments. online voting and, of course, the redesign of the national flag.

Onwards and upwards, comrades! Onwards and upwards…