I’M NOT exactly a fan of so-called integrity pledges for political candidates, for reasons outlined here. But Paul Waugh at the Evening Standard last week had the lowdown on the pointless inspired list of pledges which all Labour candidates must now sign up to.

And I’ve been able to get hold of the original draft…

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● The Labour Party is a great movement for change, made up of people determined to serve the public interest and not their own;

● I seek elected office for the honour of serving the public and our democracy and not to use it just as a way of meeting girls;

● I will subscribe to high standards of integrity, transparency, accountability and prudence with public money ― which means I will use the cheapest possible marker pens to redact my expenses;

● I will publish online my full salary and parliamentary allowances: voters can access the information if they pay a modest charge ― all major credit cards accepted;

● I believe it a duty to hold regular meetings, engagement events and surgeries with my community and constituents and will do so. I also believe it’s a duty not to attack constituents with large inflatable bananas but I’m 45 years old and don’t need to be told that either;

● I will communicate regularly with my electorate and will be available through email, telephone and other means to my constituents. Yes, the days when MPs used to cower behind their office doors pretending not to be in and using carrier pigeons and tin cans joined by string are at last behind us;

● I will regularly report back to my constituency party as well as to my constituents, and I will remember to follow each inhalation of oxygen with a similar sized exhalation;

● I will not use elected office to commission the building of a giant underground headquarters inside an extinct volcano from where I can launch attacks on Soviet and American spacecraft, thereby provoking a world war, or wear a safari suit, or feed my assistant to piranha fish. Probably.

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Pretty much common sense, most of it.