Douglas_Carswell,_May_2009A 38-YEAR-OLD man was said to be suffering from severe mental trauma this morning after he opened a newspaper and discovered that he was a Member of Parliament.

Douglas Carswell has spent the past four years referring to members of the House of Commons as “them”, “they” and “awful people”. This had led many people – including himself – to conclude that Mr Carswell was not only not an MP, but wouldn’t touch the job with a barge pole even if you paid him the average working wage.

Mr Carswell was last night unavailable for comment. His election agent said he was relieved that Mr Carswell’s shameful secret was now out in the open. “I’ve spent the last four years telling him I’m his accountant. At the 2005 election I had to tell him his nomination papers were actually his tax return.”