And another thing…

TRANSCRIPT of part of Morning Extra, broadcast on BBC Radio Scotland this morning:

GARY ROBERTSON (for it is he): And now we have Alex on the line. Are you there, Alex?

ALEX: Yes, Gary.

GARY: And where are you calling from this morning, Alex?

ALEX: Banff. Er, I mean, Gordon – no, Buchan. Edinburgh.

GARY: Okay… so what do you want to say to us, Alex?

ALEX: I just wanted to clarify that I think Margaret Thatcher is evil incarnate, whatever others are saying I said. I mean, just because you say something, doesn’t mean you mean it, does it?

GARY: Okay, uhm…

ALEX: I mean, the poll tax? How could anyone think that Scotland didn’t mind that? (laughs nervously). And her industrial policy! Bathgate no more, Linwood no more, Methyl no more, Lochaber no more…

GARY: Alex, if I could just stop you there, you’re just singing a Proclaimers song now…

ALEX: I would walk 500 miles-

GARY: I’m going to have to cut you off there, Alex

ALEX: No! Wait! If I can just reiterate: although I said that Scotland didn’t mind Thatcherism, I just meant it didn’t mind her economic policies – it was the consequences of her economic policies they didn’t like.

GARY: But how can you separate the two? Policies have consequences.

ALEX: Yes! Exactly! Love the policy – hate the result, that’s my motto. FREEDOM! Oh, sorry…(Whispering) Oh, Margaret, how I miss you. Come back to us…

GARY: Well, that’s clarified things for all of us. Thank you Alex. And next on the line we have Nicola from Baillieston.

NICOLA: Govan.

GARY: Sorry.

VENUES in Glasgow’s East End are battling it out for the privilege of being next in line to chuck Nicola Sturgeon off their premises.

Following her eviction by a security guard from a shopping centre two days ago, Nicola – known as “Ray of Sunshine” to her friend – has been in demand from shopkeepers, landlords and homeless persons, all vying to beat the record for how long it takes between Nicola dismissing her host with a haughty wave of her hand to landing on her backside on the pavement outside.

BBC Scotland are expected to film the next eviction. But not broadcast it.

JOHN Michie, the Taggart actor, supported Scottish independence a year ago. Now he’s supporting Labour. So a Labour gain, then. Good story. How about it, BBC Scotland, fancy running with this one?

Er, yes, well…

Our good friends at the BBC (you know, the same ones who are trying to protect Smilin’ Nicola Sturgeon from any public embarassment caused by her rudeness to a security guard) reckon that the real story is that Mr Michie used to support independence, and that therefore this is a bad news story for Labour! No, seriously.

I wonder how many SNP card-carriers there actually are at Pacific Quay?