And another thing…

THOSE who want to believe that next year’s general election will be a 1997 in reverse might want to consider the following fact: in the last eight years of Tory rule, they won not not a single parliamentary by-election.

I don’t have time to do a Google search on which seats Labour has held in the last eight years – or even four. Or two. I expect one of my readers will be kind enough to do that for me.

The point being: Cameron has most definitely not sealed the deal.

CONGRATULATIONS to my new colleague, Willie Bain, newly-elected Member of Parliament for Glasgow North East.

Terrific result – better than my own rather modest prediction of a 3000 Labour majority. Far too early to start making sweeping predictions about the parties’ prospects in the wake of this result. I’ll just say “well done”, not only to Willie, but to Colin Smyth and all his staff at the Scottish Labour Party for running an outstanding campaign. Particular personal congrats to the formidable Kate Watson and her fellow Labour organisers who ran a fantastic operation out of the Roebank Street committee rooms in Dennistoun.

It’s been a blast, folks.

THIS happened a couple of weeks ago at a front door in Cumbernauld Road, Glasgow North East:

Me: Hi, sorry to bother you. I’m campaigning on behalf of Willie Bain, Labour’s candidate in the by-election. Can I ask if you’ve decided how you’re going to vote?

Voter: Well, I have a problem. We’re going on holiday the week before the election.

Me: Really? Well, you can always apply for a postal vote.

Voter: Yeah? How would I do that?

Me: Well, let’s not get ahead of ourselves. Which party do you vote for?

Voter: SNP

Me: Look, if I were you I’d concentrate on having a great holiday and forget about politics. Thanks for your time…

THE TIN FOIL hat brigade are out in force again, this time predicting that Labour will win Glasgow North East, but only because of a surge in postal voting.

The Orange Party blog describes the number of people registered to vote by post today as “shocking”, apparently because the number has doubled since the general election.

So, for those unfamiliar with things like politics and by-elections and stuff, here’s a handy cut-out-and-keep guide to this newfangled postal voting thing:

In by-elections, all the parties push postal votes. Therefore, in by-elections, the number of postal votes goes up very significantly.

Got that? Want me to repeat it for you? Okay, here we go:

In by-elections, all the parties push postal votes. Therefore, in by-elections, the number of postal votes goes up very significantly.

I’m glad we got that sorted.

I ALMOST feel sorry for the nationalist candidate in Glasgow North East. Almost, but not quite.

His latest faux pas fits into the media’s developing narrative of a hapless chap who’s not quite sure about where he was born or why he can’t buy his Benson & Hedges from the cheese counter…

"Hurry up, Alex - I've just been told Santa's grotto's near here..."

ANYONE who saw David Kerr’s car crash of an interview on Newsnicht last night will be left wondering why he’s ashamed of having been born in Govan.

Pressed on the vexed question of his birthplace, the SNP’s Glasgow North East candidate refused point blank to say where he was born, instead falling back on the weasel words of “there wasn’t a maternity hospital in Dennistoun at the time”. Why didn’t he just say “Govan”?

Pressed further on why he he previously claimed, during the Falkirk by-election, to have been born in Cumberbauld, he said that a big boy done it and ran away (or words to that effect) and that the mistake had been quickly rectified.

Was it? Does that mean that during that particular campaign, a replacement leaflet was produced by Kerr’s campaign stating that he was, in fact, born in Govan? Or Dennistoun? Will he now produce that leaflet?

A nation holds its breath.

BOOKMAKERS throughout Scotland announced today they are now accepting bets on which Scottish town the SNP’s David Kerr will next claim to have been born in.

Odds-on favourite is Drongan, with Methil and Shotts coming in at evens.

But an SNP insider said there would be no announcement on Mr Kerr’s next preferred place of birth until the next parliamentary by-election has been confirmed.

Meanwhile Kerr’s campaign for the Glasgow North East parliamentary by-election was seen by a number of witnesses going down a public toilet in Alexandra Parade after someone produced one of his campaign leaflets for his failed 2000 campaign in Falkirk and compared it with a more recent leaflet issues by the SNP in Glasgow.

Mr Kerr, from Cumbernauld/Dennistoun/Govan/Milton Keynes (delete as applicable), commented: “It is utterly reprehensible and unfair of Labour to use facts and stuff just to win votes.”

Alex Salmond added: “David who?”

That was then...

... and this is now

I’M A POLITICAL traditionalist, but there are some rituals that have had their day, particularly when it comes to by-elections.

In Scotland, for example, there’s a tradition that the weekend before polling day in any by-election, the Sunday Herald publishes an “exclusive” about a “leak” from the SNP headquarters revealing that the nats had far more activists out on the street that weekend (a figure usually arrived at by plucking a random figure out of the air and adding a zero to the end) than any other party and that they are definitey the best party and everything.

Well, these pictures will make it just a tad more difficult for the nats to perpetuate this myth, even with the help of a friendly media. The young man on the left is Liviu and as you can see from the picture on the right, he’s an employee of Unlimited Distribution, which have been hired by the SNP to deliver their leaflets in the Glasgow North East by-election.

Undoubtedly there’s a reason for this: maybe nat activists are just so gosh darned certain of victory that they’ve found better things to do with their time (like alphabeticising their grievances, for example). But if they have to use a private firm to deliver leaflets in an important by-election, they can hardly claim to be attracting even their own footsoldiers.

"Hmm... I'll give you a fiver if you throw in the lighter and the sports socks..."

WHAT is it with the SNP and guns?

Remember this from last year? Now David Kerr, the nationalist candidate in the Glasgow North East by-election, is in trouble over this cute stunt he pulled in a Glasgow car park last year.

The SNP have already dismissed the incident (“So what? He’s the nationalist candidate, for goodness sake — how could he have done anything wrong?!”). But given that Kerr’s then employers, the BBC, reprimanded him for brandishing lethal — and illegal — weapons in an east end car park, then someone, somewhere obviously thought this was, to say the least, an unwise move.

Eaxctly the kind of judgment you might want from a putative MP, yes?*

*Er… no.

TORQUIL Crichton at The Herald has just reported on an SNP attempt to move the writ for the Glasgow North East by-election.

Apparently there’ll be a vote on it in a few minutes, following an objection by our Chief Whip, Nick Brown. All good fun, and I can see the political sense in the Nats trying to do this: it gives the impression that they’re gung ho for the contest, despite having had a very bad false start with their activists’ first choice candidate being forced to pull out in disgrace.

I remember Jim Sillars, the SNP victor in the 1988 Scottish* by-election, trying to pull this stunt in March 1989, when he delayed the Budget statement by trying to move the writ for the Glasgow Central by-election. Which we subsequently won.

Off to the chamber to see what’s happening. Heigh-ho!

* Well, you know how actors think it’s unlucky to mention “Macbeth”? Well…