And another thing…

I WAS tempted to write about this last night and decided not to bother. But then Iain Dale decided he was so impressed with Paul Goodman’s “story” that he’s reproduced the whole thing on his blog.

Essentially, this is Goodman’s attempt to move his party’s obsession with quangos forward a tad. And he recounts this brilliant conversation which he claims “a friend” had with “a Labour-appointed and Labour-supporting Quangocrat”. And just in case you were tempted to pour withering scorn on the likliehood of a conversation anything like this actually happening on this planet, Paul reassures his readers that “This is a true story.” So shame on you for thinking anything different…

A friend of mine recently met a Labour-appointed and Labour-supporting Quangocrat.

“Is the Government asking you to make cuts in your budget,” asked my friend, “and if so, what are you doing?”

“It’s very difficult,” the Quangocrat replied. “Obviously, we don’t want to make cuts in our budget. But my first duty is to the Ministers who appointed me. I’m drawing up a plan for savings that won’t make headlines – a recruitment freeze, more early retirements, back-office savings, that sort of thing. No cuts to politically-sensitive projects with a high public profile.”

“And if a new Conservative Government asks you to make cuts in your budget,” asked my friend, “what will you do?”

“It’s very simple,” the Quangocrat replied. “Obviously, we don’t want to make cuts in our budget. And my first duty is to the organisation I serve. I’m drawing up a plan for savings that will be made in a way that the public will notice.”

“Cuts to politically-sensitive projects with a high-profile?” asked my friend.

“In a way that the public will notice,” repeated the Quangocrat.

Anyway, Goodman’s post prompted The Daily Politics to invite the Shadow Chief Secretary, Philip Hammond, onto the programme yesterday to talk about Tory plans to cull the quangos. I was alerted to this entertaining piece of TV by one of my regular commenters, Mr Mxyzptlk, who kindly supplied the transcript to what can only be described as a televisual car crash.

Andrew Neil: So how many do you think you’ll get rid of?

Phillip Hammond: Well this isn’t a crude bonfire of the quangos. What David has said this morning is there are some quangos which we will need to keep because they do jobs which are properly at arms’ length from government. There are others which will need to be radically reformed and there are some which can be scrapped altogether..

AN: So how many will you get rid of?

PH: We’re working our way through that process.

AN: So how many will you get rid of?

PH: I don’t have a total number, we don’t know yet at this stage…

AN: You’ve been in opposition 12 years. Has it only just dawned on you to cut quangos?

PH: All my spending departmental colleagues are looking at the quangos that answer to their departments and categorising them into these three categories.

AN: How many will you create?

PH: Well we haven’t said that we won’t create any new bodies, for example the Office of Budget Responsibility…

AN: So that’s a new one you will create.

PH: It’s a key part of our plan to create a fiscal…

AN: No I understand the purpose, but it’s a quango. Office of Tax Simplification?

PH: Er, the Office of Tax Simplification also a key part of our plans.

AN: So that’s two. An Australian-style sports commission?

PH: An Australian-style sports commission?

AN: You promised that too.

PH: Er, ok. But…

AN: So that’s three.

PH: OK, but Andrew but the point is every body whether existing or proposed will have to pass the test that David has set out this morning…

AN: Yeah but you propose them. A Skills Advisory Service?

PH: They will have to pass the test that David has set out…

AN: So that’s another quango.

PH: …this morning. Do they perform a technical function that happens to be done at arms-length from government, do they perform an allocation function which needs to be politically impartial or do they perform a transparency function like the Office of National Statistics…

AN: A Defence Export Services organisation, that’s another one you’re going to create?

PH: Well that’s a body frankly that existed that existed until very recently…

AN: So you’ll create another quango?

PH: the government has folded it in to another body and we’re saying that it needs to continue to operate in order to support our…

AN: I’m sure there’s good reasons for it all, creating these 17 new quangos that you promised…

PH: Andrew we’re talking about 1,100 quangos in total…

AN: Yeah but you can’t…I’ve got 17 here you’re going to create if you get into power. You can’t give me 17 you’re going to get rid of.

PH: I can promise you it will be a lot more than 17.

AN: Well give me 17?

PH: Well David’s announced two this morning…

AN: Right, so far you’ve got net 15?

PH: I can’t promise you about the Potato Board because we haven’t looked in detail at that yet but we all know there are hundreds of quangos that we know no longer need to operate independently, at arms-length from government.

Fantastic. A party ready for government indeed.

UPDATE: As has been pointed out in the thread, this was not, as I originally assumed, an interview from yesterday but a rather older one. Sorry about that. Careless of me.

Still funny, though.

HAS Dave fallen out with one of his Shadow Cabinet members?

The picture carried in today’s Daily Mail seems to suggest this is so. In fact, so desperately did Dave want to avoid talking to Shadow Chief Secretary Philip Hammond during a Tube journey yesterday, he even pretended to read a copy of The Guardian!

But perhaps he’s standing because there weren’t any spare seats near Hammond? Fair enough assumption. Ah, but lookie here…

Now, if one were the cynical type (which I’m not, obviously), one might conclude that in fact Dave was simply posing for photographers and felt more comfortable standing. But surely he wouldn’t – nay, couldn’t –  be so calculating?

Last week we had the “hey guys – I’m just the same as you, yeah?” picture of Dave shopping in Woolies. Now we have him on the Tube dutifully ignoring a colleague (well, okay, I concede it’s normal to ignore members of the Shadow Cabinet in public). So what’s next in Dave’s Grand Photographic Tour of Normality – a picture of him and Sam doing a car boot sale?

Who’d be surprised?